SpaceX, a spooky organization headed by mysterious Tesla CEO Elon Musk, launched a Falcon 9 rocket from Vandenberg Air Force Base 
on Saturday, January 14. The unscheduled launch took place just days after a classified Nibiru report—prepared for Trump’s eyes only—leaked onto the net and was picked up by alternative news sources throughout the information superhighway. The gist of the report: Nibiru is “frozen in space” and poses no threat to Earth.
Officially, this was a routine launch, carrying “benign communication stalactite relays”. However, thanks to our source at Vandenberg, we are able to report that this mission was the Trump response to the Frozen Nibiru news. The President-elect demanded that a Frozen Nibiru Dossier be on his desk by 8 AM on January 20th.
According to our Kremlin source, Vladimir Putin was first approached; he stood ready to help, but needed a week to ready a Soyuz-class rocket for launch—longer than Trump was willing to wait. Trump even considered asking help from China. Ivanka and Vice President-elect Michael Pence convinced him to avoid making foolish deals with Chinese President Xi Jinping.
Ultimately, Trump turned to Elon Musk, whose retrofitted Falcon 9 had recently passed OSHA inspection and needed only fuel and transportation to the launch facility. Musk, a known Nibiru debunker, initially balked at the proposal, but relented after Trump promised to fund the launch.
Under cover of darkness, a private security force transported the Falcon 9 to Vandenberg Air Force Base, where it was made ready for launch.
“This is no ordinary rocket,” our source confessed. “It contains cutting edge technology, including a four-stage booster and a payload module ready to deploy revolutionary thermal imaging devices. The rocket itself uses advanced thrusters with a reverse-osmosis transdermal boost system, capable of propelling the rocket, at warp speeds, to its secret destination—Mars’s orbit.”
The revolutionary propulsion system will allow Falcon 9 to reach Mars in just under two days. The fuel is a hybrid 3:2:1 ratio of pasteurized
helium, liquid methane, and hardened tritium. Thermal graphics, operating in parallel with motion-sensor technology, will confirm whether Nibiru has frozen in space and ceased its deadly encroachment toward Earth.
Asked why Falcon 9 was sent to Mars instead of Earth’s orbit, our source said, “It’s simple. Mars is spiritually and astrologically closer to Nibiru than is Earth. Trump felt time is of the essence, and by positioning the payload module relative to Mars’s southern polar region, he’d get the big picture much faster.”
Incidentally, a total media blackout shrouded the launch. Networks were notified after Falcon 9 left orbit. Rumor has it that Jared Kushner witnessed the launch.
[Correction: an astute reader pointed out that her local news covered the launch. Thus, in keeping with our high standards, we have struck out thee final sentence of the article.]
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