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Trump Victory Averts Nibiru War With Russia

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Donald Trump scored a shocking and historic upset victory in the presidential election Wednesday morning, defying predictions and winning important battleground states to capture the White House. He did more than that; his victory over Hillary Clinton prevented a certain nuclear conflict with Russia, where an anxious Vladimir Putin nervously watched election results rolling in.

Trump’s promise to do away with the Nibiru cover-up was a topic of paramount importance, but was never allowed to surface during the gnogo3hcampaign. As proven by previously published stories, Putin and Trump earlier this year had signed a memorandum of understanding on how to handle the Nibiru affair.

Kellyanne Conway, Trump’s campaign manager, explained to our source the state of the current Trump Nibiru plan:

“He stood ready to deliver bad news about the impending Nibiru cataclysm,” Conway told our source. “However, his chosen Nibiru Czar, Admiral William J. “Not On My Watch” Fallon pleaded for a delay, to prepare his military teams. Fallon, argued that strategic placement of military assets had to be positioned in advance of Nibiru disclosure.”

As early results ticked in, both candidates were secreted away in hidden locations in New York City, editing and finalizing victory speeches. After Trump won Florida, Ohio, and Pennsylbania, Huma Abedin, a Clinton confidante whose blunt emails were among those released by Wikileaks, was spotted sneaking out of the Jacob Javits Center, where Hillary hoped to give her victory announcement.

“Huma Abedin was sobbing in tears,” our mole within the Clinton campaign said. “She tried to escape unnoticed, but we managed to corner putin2and question her before she fled the venue.”

Asked why Hillary Clinton seemed doomed to lose, Abedin said, “I don’t want to talk about it. Donald Trump stole a piece of my soul tonight. He took a piece of all of us. Hillary Clinton is a good woman and would have warned the world about Nibiru—in her own time. Now things are worse. The world is shocked.”

Reaction in Western Europe was muted as people digested the shocking upset, but Moscow breathed a collective sigh of relief, as battleground states turned to Trump’s advantage. A smiling Vladimir Putin sat down at the “Kremlin teletype” and sent the following message to Trump:

To my dear friend, President-elect Donald J. Trump, I congratulate you on your victory over the evil Hillary, a woman maddened by ambition. Together, we shall forge the world anew and prepare civilization for the coming Nibiru disaster. I know that our agreement stands and that Nibiru disclosure will come at the earliest nibiruplanetxopportunity. All other issues take a back seat to this mission upon which we embark. Don’t worry about Syria, don’t worry about the Ukraine—minor issues we can solve later. Together, we must apply our combined efforts to solving the Nibiru threat. In closing, I must confess we stood ready for war last night. Some guys had proposed that we launch if Hillary won. Your friend, Vladimir Putin.

Sources inside the Kremlin confirmed that Russia had briefly set its nuclear offense forces to “zachchita usloviye 2,” that country’s equivalent of Defcon 2, its highest state of readiness since the 2011 Astana revolt.

In New York, the atmosphere turned joyous as Trump supporters smelled victory in the air. Rudy Giuliani, former NYC mayor and senior Trump adviser, was quoted as saying. “Nothing can stop the Trump train. If Hillary Clinton couldn’t stop him, neither will Nibiru.”

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